Rowling v Meyer
by vairetwilight
Summary: The short stories of when Harry Potter characters and Twilight characters meet and the bizarre look into their psyches. Rating for language.
1. When Lavender met Jessica

I dont own it. I really really dont. Please do not expect much of a plot. This series is a result of the crappiness of Australia's CityRail which left me sitting on a train with a delay for more than 40minutes today, after cancelling the previous two trains. Argh!!! Though we must congratulate them as theyre horrible service recently has been greatly conducive to my writing. *claps once for CityRail*

There will be major character bashing. MAJOR bashing. In this chapter theres not much but beware it will rear its ugly head and tear Bella, Ginny, Ron and others into tiny chewable peices...available in Raspberry, Honey and Cheese. 

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**When Lavender met Jessica**

_Or the bonding of Harpies_

'You're not really going to wear that anywhere are you?' The high pitched voice cut through the small dress shop in Port Angeles and was the first warning the occupants received of the presence of one Lavender Brown.

'Jealous?' was the snide remark returned by the girl standing on a stool having a vibrant neon green 'princess' dress pinned by the shop assistant.

'Of a blind person maybe' the caustic remark surprised even the person who said it, as evident by the long pause that followed.

'Anyway', she continued when she overcame her shock, 'I'd never go anywhere wearing that monstrosity. I'd die if my WonWon saw me in it. What's it for Halloween?' High-pitched giggles followed that question.

'Not that it's any of your business, but it's for prom. I can't let that frigid bitch Rosalie show me up, and she certainly will if I don't find the right dress. It's so unfair; every guy wants her even when she rejects all of them. None of them are good enough for her. Humpf!' The mini-rant was cut off as the blonde stalked over carrying a light blue gown that would leave little to the imagination.

'Oh you poor thing. If you want to be admired then that is certainly not the way to go about it. Here try this one instead. I'm Lavender by the way.'

'Jessica.' The reply was called as she swept off to a change room, leaving the seamstress on the floor with pins scattered everywhere due to her dramatic arm flailing during her rant. When she finally emerged from the dressing room Lavender was paying for her own pink lace mid-thigh strapless dress.

Spinning around in a circle to show her new friend her dress, Jessica continued her previously interrupted rant.

'Then there's this girl Bella. She's new. From Phoenix. I think she's lying though; she's as white as the Cullens. Anyway, she is such a slut, throwing herself all over my Mikey even though she knows we're together. And all the other boys in school as well, she's like one of the circus acts that everyone wants to see. Even Edward Cullen is following her. She's probably an easy lay. She's not even pretty, or smart or even funny. Totally drab but they hang off her anyway.'

Lavender wrapped her arms around her distraught friend as Jessica trailed off, commiserating with her on the unfairness of the world.

'I know how you feel. My WonWon has this friend Hermione. Total Bitch. She's so trying to steal him from me. It's pathetic. I mean its bad enough that she dated both Harry and Viktor at the same time when we were 14 and they totally didn't deserve that, but now she's all over my WonWon and he's to devoted to me to even realise. Just thinks she's being friendly. And she's not pretty, fizzy hair and buck teeth. Smart yes, but that's all she has, and she's so bossy. Urgh! She thinks I don't even realise she was trying to jeopardise my dress shopping when she insisted to come with me. I will look so good she won't know what hit her. Bella won't either when she sees you in that dress.'

As the two girls descended into a malicious dialogue on the slutiness of Hermione Granger and Bella Swan the seamstress pondered on their incredible resemblance to the mythical Harpy. The shop bell rang and Lavender and Jessica swirled to face the door with bright smiles gracing their faces when they saw who came through.

'Hermione...'

'Bella...'

'It's so good to see you.' Was cried in unison, in voices that barely hinted at the venom that just recently had been spewing from their mouths.

Oh yes, thought the seamstress, the Harpies had done some nice bonding.

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Review me please. If only to tell me who you want to meet. Next chapter Rosalie and Fleur (and Ron)


	2. When Rosalie met Fleur and Ron

**I still don't own anything. Ron Bashing in this one. I would like to add that I take extreme liberties with this fic and its insanely AU. I'm not even entirely sure how much of the time line I am keeping. Meh. I'm not even sure what age they will be either. Ron is with Lavender but Fleur is married to Bill. My sense of timing sucks. :) But that just means that theres more characters to pick from now. Read and Review.**

**This chapter is for my minion Fey (Clarissa Frey) not only for the first review but also for keeping me greatly entertained last night. Woot for EMAR. **

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**When Rosalie met Fleur (and Ron)**

_Or A Contest...of sorts_

Ronald Weasley was in heaven. He really, really, REALLY was. Though it hadn't always been like this. When it was first announced that their would be a trip to America for all the 6th and 7th years under adult supervision, he didn't really see why anyone would want to go into the Muggle world and even more so be supervised like children. Who did they think he was?

It was even worse when Hermione announced she and Lavender were going dress shopping, now he wouldn't even be able to snog his girlfriend. Then Harry abandoned him once he saw the large, looming forest that took up a great part of the surrounding lands. So here he was in America, abandoned by his friends and being supervised by Phelgm, of all people. Because, of course, Hermione's so sensible she doesn't need supervision and Phelgm loves Harry too much to plague him with her presence. All in all it was looking to be a very, very bad week.

Fleur! He hated her so much. First she rejects him. Him! Then she's all touchy feely with his best friend and now she's marrying his brother. Was she insane? Picking Bill over him? Ronald Bilius Weasley, who beat McGonagall's chess, fought death eaters and was The Harry Potter's best friend. All Bill had to show for himself was that ponytail and stupid earring. Big Deal.

Then the day began to look up as another Blonde drifted in their direction. She was just as hot...no she was more hot...than Fleur. She stalked towards Fleur with a nasty expression on her face. He really hoped they would wrestle, that would be so cool. Hmmm, maybe he could cop a squeeze when he heroically 'attempted' to break them up.

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Rosalie drifted over to the Blonde woman standing outside the diner. She was slightly concerned for the girl though she'd never admit it. That red-haired boy was clearly undressing her with his mind. She shuddered as his eyes lit on her figure and drool began to spill from his mouth.

'Are you new here?' See she could be polite when she wanted to, besides the girl's beauty was nearly equal to her own so she had no fear of being contaminated by the ugly or having her reputation as a frigid bitch ruined.

'Ah. I am eere on an excursion showing some Eenglesh students the American country. I am Fleur' The heavy accent gave her away as a French national.

'I am Rosalie. Are your students "special cases"?' Rosalie asked nodding in the red-heads direction.

'Ah. Non. My brother-in-law Ronald. He's a, how do you say, pervers. It is so sad.'

Rosalie nodded her head sagely having more than enough experience with perverts. Constantly plagued by them she was. It was one of the reasons she kept Emmett around. Once again she glanced in the red-heads direction, then turned back to Fleur and spoke in French as she linked their arms together.

'I feel so horrible for you. Do you see him often?' Another glance, this time echoed by Fleur.

'To often. I must do so to be polite to hius mother. Horrible woman. And my poor Harry! She is constantly dictating his life and he is not even her child. I have had my husband Bill talk to her but still no change.'

The impassioned speech ended with another glance in Ron's direction, to make sure he wasn't making an idiot out of himself. With a scowl Fleur continued in an angrier tone.

'and I think he is just using my Harry.'

'Who is this Harry?'

Fleur eyes lit up at that question and Rosalie could see that it was a topic Fleur could talk about for hours.

'He is my bébé. He saved my sister many years ago. He is an orphan so I look after him as much as I can. His family was abusive as well. It's simply dreadful. Though he has turned out so well despite raising himself.'

As Fleur continued to describe Harry to her, Rosalie felt her mothering instincts surge up with the dire need to protect him. The two girls continued to converse in French about their beloved child Harry as they stared unseeingly in Ron's direction. In unison they sighed dreamily as Fleur described Harry's vibrant eyes.

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Yes Ronald Weasley was in heaven. Two hot girls staring at him and sighing dreamily. But after that first rejection by Fleur he might just make her work to be able to join him. He'd play hard to get and maybe he could have both blonde's at the same time. That would be hot!

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There you go. Remember to review and to let me know if there is anybody you want meeting.


	3. When Luna met Carlisle

I should warn you now that this chapter is not as humorous as the others. Unfortunately my plunnies are depressed and suicidal at the moment and i'm incapable of writing anything happy. It's actually so bad that I haven't been able to finish the next segment of MWAHA, most of it was writen and then I needed to change it to suit Ariaeris' newest chapter, then the plunnies got depressed, and now everytime I try to finish it I end up crying and completely depressed from the angst *sigh*.

Good news is that there appears to be a plot to this story developing. *le gasp* Yes people a plot. I was as shocked as you when I realised. Anyway enjoy.

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_When Luna met Carlisle_

_Or the dangers of tough meat_

Luna Lovegood watched as Harry separated from the Veela and Weasley and drifted into the forest, she could only hope that the Nargles would be scared away by the Runespoor he had wrapped around his neck. She would hate for anything to happen to either Harry or the Runespoor, the second head was so interesting – it dreamt many of the same things she did.

Luna floated distractedly towards the hospital where she knew she would find the oxymoron that was the vampire doctor. He was the only one that she could trust to help her Harry through the aftermath of the fight that was to come. She constantly had nightmares about the horrific marks it would leave on his body and mind and she would spend hours in the early mornings lying in Harry's bed after sneaking in to Gryffindor Tower praying to her goddess that her brother would emerge intact from the battle. And then magic sent her the image of Dr Carlisle Cullen and everything was right in the world again.

If she could get him to listen to her before eating her that is...

Meh!

Luna swooped through the hospital doors doing her best imitation of Professor Snape before getting distracted by the sparkly walls. Damn the Nargles were getting tricky, they knew her weakness now. Luna stood in the doorway and contemplated how the Nargles had worked out her weakness for shiny things until a nurse came over and gently guided her towards a hospital room all the while muttering about children getting mixed up with drugs.

Soon after the nurse left a young looking man entered the room wearing a Doctor's coat. As he opened his mouth to introduce himself, Luna cut him off.

'You're pretty hot for your age'

'Ah, thank you. My name...'

'Carlisle Cullen,' Luna cut through, 'I've been expecting you. Well I suppose I should be because this is your office, who else would see me in here? Though, I did expect you to look a little different. Hmmm maybe the Nargles have been messing with my dreams as well. I mean it's hardly my fault that shiny things are so awesome. Sniff. Harry understands at least. He finds...'

Dr Cullen could only stare in stupefied amazement as the young, blonde girl in front of him continued to prattle on, jumping from subject to subject with an ease he had only ever seen in Alice before.

'...fluffy, pink elephant...'

So distracted was Carlisle by the dangling miss-matching red and white chess-piece earrings on the girls swaying head that he never even noticed when she stopped talking and began to stare at him intently, whilst cackling evilly on the inside. It was only when one of the cackles escaped Luna's control that Carlisle realised that she had stopped talking and he immediately sat up straight and attempted to regain his lost dignity.

'How can I...'

'help me? My brother is going to be in a fight soon that he's going to need help for. So I thought who else would be able to help better than Dr Cullen? Actually that Russian doctor could probably do it as well, though his karma is a bit iffy, but I'm sure I could work on that. And there is the chance that I would be able to find some Pogrebin's, they're notoriously difficult to find since they look like rocks, but I'm sure I could. Yes the Russian could definitely work.'

'Or you could...'

'tell you what makes me think something will happen? The Runespoor told Harry to tell me, though he was just passing on a message from someone else. But I trust him.'

'Let me get this right. A Runespoor told you that your brother would need medical help for a fight that will happen but you don't know when. So you came to America to ask me to help him when he's not even injured yet.'

'You can never be to prepared'

'Do you...'

'No.'

'Will...'

'Very serious.'

'Could...'

'Possibly'

'I...'

'Thank you so much. At least now I know that Harry will be fine in the aftermath. Goodbye Dr Cullen, I'm going to see if I can find any Knarl's, there's a good chance seeing how bad the gardens look around here. The town's people must have really insulted it.'

Carlisle stared in dazzled confusion as the bizarre girl skipped out his office door. He was slightly disturbed by the ability of the girl whose name he still didn't know to answer all his questions before he asked them. It reminded him eerily of when Alice first joined the coven. Though he was more than slightly worried about her mental state, he only knew of Runespoor's through mythology, and he had never even heard of a Knarl, Pogrebin or even a Nargle. As he sat there he decided that he would lock all the doors and windows in the house tonight – you could never be too sure of what could come creeping in.

As Carlisle stood and prepared to go to his next patient he decided he would definitely be going hunting after work. The sound of the door swinging open had him turning to the door with inhuman speed, only to see the girl standing in the doorway not in the least surprised by his speed. With an amused look darting across her face before disappearing, the girl spoke,

'I'm not sure if it works on you, but you might want to bring pain killers home tonight. Your dinner will be a bit tough'

The doctor was left baffled as the girl, he still didn't know the name of, skipped out of the room and the last he heard of her was her distant call of,

'It's Luna'

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After work was complete for the day Carlisle decided to go hunting before seeing the rest of his coven. As he dived on top of the bear that he had been stalking and sunk his teeth into the flesh of its shoulder he didn't even think of the warning that the strange girl had given him. As he attempted to pull his teeth from the shoulder wound and simply wound-up yanking his own teeth he could only wish that pain killers worked on him. He was extremely thankful though that he had not brought any of his children with him when he went hunting, he could just imagine the complete humiliation he would feel if any of them caught him with his teeth stuck in a bear at least twice his size – he'd never live it down.

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Looking at her father from her perch on a nearby tree Alice could only cackle evilly as she watched him try to dislodge the bear stuck on his teeth. The wind passing by stirred her new earrings – one a red pawn, the other a white queen – and she grinned happily as she silently thanked the other seer for letting her know about this. Clicking some quick photos of the struggle below, Alice then jumped tree to tree in the direction of her home all the while thinking of different ways to thank her new friend.

Men everywhere shivered in instinctual fear for what they could sense was their impending doom. Harry simply stared at Luna confused as to why all the boys in the room were slowly edging away from them.

Oh yes, it was the start of a beautiful friendship.

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Ooh scary. Can you imagine it - Alice and Luna...plotting...together...shudder

Review or I set them on you.


	4. When Draco met Victoria

Disclaimer: I dont own anything. Otherwise Bella would be dead, Edward would express his undying love for Jacob and Harry would have a harem of men. As you know none of that has happened (yet...cackles).

A/N: I'll write this again so nobody comments about it. ALL CHARACTERS ARE OOC. They are exaggerated for humour. Also I apologise if I manage to insult anybody :) Im just awesome like that.

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_**When Draco met Victoria**_

_Or the twisted pride of the inbred pureblood_

Draco Malfoy could not believe he was here in some Muggle town in an antiquated outpost of the British Empire surrounded by Muggles, mud-bloods and half-breeds. The place didn't even have an original name. _Forks_. Were the inhabitants so stupid that they needed a greater reminder of an eating utensil? Though considering they were Muggles he shouldn't be surprised if they did need the prompting.

Bloody Dumbledore! The crack-pot old fool had clearly lost his marbles. The muggle-lover was probably delighting in the suffering of all the respectable purebloods. Probably jealous that he didn't have the same history to his lineage. He didn't even have his father available to get him out of this travesty, all because of Potter. Stupid Potter! Just because his parents got themselves killed by getting involved in the war didn't mean he had to try to take his father away from him. How dare Potter get his father caught. He'd teach that pathetic excuse for a wizard that no one messes with a Malfoy and gets away with it.

With that decision made Malfoy quickly and covertly snuck away from the idiots he was paired with whilst suffering through this excursion. From his recon...hiding....spot in an alleyway he saw Potter walk off into the forest.

Bloody Potter gets away with everything. Thinks he's so high above everyone else that he doesn't need the protection of adults. The idiot will probably fall off a cliff. He's so in love with himself he probably thinks he can walk on air.

Keeping up the litany of insults Malfoy followed Harry into the forest always keep a slight distance behind him due to constantly falling over roots and bushes. One particular trip saw him falling down the side of a hill and crashing through branches until he finally ended sprawled face down in dirt in the midst of a relatively open glade.

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"Just great. Stupid Potter, idiot is always looking for trouble, of course he would pick a dangerous path to walk through.."

"Then why did you follow him?" The question came from a velvety voice slightly behind Malfoy, who swung around in his seated position to see the figure behind him.

A red haired woman stood in the clearing with him. Her blue pants, made of that strange material Muggles seemed to favour, along with her button down shirt were frayed and dirty, her hair tangled with twigs and leaves. Her burgundy eyes shifted restlessly as she kept up a constant surveillance of the clearing. Her hair reminded Draco sharply of the weasel and a sneer curled his lips as he looked at her.

"Who the hell are you?"

A dark chuckle rolled out of the stranger's mouth, before she quirked a smile and replied.

"I'm Victoria. And who are?" After her question she took a step further into the clearing and consequently brought herself closer to Draco. Her gait bore a startling resemblance to that of a cat and Draco's disgust was deepened as her saw she wore no shows.

"Draco. Draco Malfoy. Though I don't expect a plebeian like you to understand the significance of that name."

"And is Mr. Draco Malfoy lost all alone in the woods. You should be more careful," Victoria moved quickly and crossed half the distance separating them in the blink of an eye. "Haven't you ever been taught that monsters lurk in the forest," she sneered out before lunging at Draco.

A crack sounded throughout the clearing as Draco disappeared and reappeared on the other side of the clearing.

"Didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with your food? Though being Muggle scum, maybe you weren't taught that," Draco taunted as he sneered at the vampire.

"What are you?"

He smirked condescendingly before replying. "A wizard," he paused dramatically before continuing. "I don't know what's worse. That you were a Muggle or that you are a vampire."

With the deliverance of that final insult he spun on his heel and apparated loudly out of the clearing and back towards town, leaving a furious Victoria behind in the woods.

"Bloody men," she snarled before turning and following a far nicer scent deeper into the forest.

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Please review. They keep the plunnies happy and stop them savaging me. Any suggestions can be put into reviews and taken into account for the next instalment. :)


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